I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.