There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.