You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.