Men are as faithful as their options.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.