My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.