If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.