It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.