I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.