If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
No good deed goes unpunished.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I'm single because I was born that way.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.