If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.