Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!