The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.