Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.