In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity