Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps