You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.