Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
No good deed goes unpunished.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.