When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I'm single because I was born that way.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!