My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.