When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
No good deed goes unpunished.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.