He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.