Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money