My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.