My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion