Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
No good deed goes unpunished.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.