If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.