If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.