If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.