I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.