I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.