Sex is an emotion in motion.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.