To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.