Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!