Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.