Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.