By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.