I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.