A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.