I drink to make other people more interesting.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.