All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.