The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.