My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Men are as faithful as their options.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
No good deed goes unpunished.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.