If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.