Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.