My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Men are as faithful as their options.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.