My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I'm single because I was born that way.