Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!