It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.