Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?