What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.