I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!