I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.