I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.