What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.