You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!