Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.