I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money