Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.