I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.