I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.