Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.