I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Men are as faithful as their options.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.