I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!