The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.