I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.