I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.