All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.