Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.