I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.