I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.