A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.