I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.