My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

No good deed goes unpunished.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.