He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.