It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm single because I was born that way.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.