I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.