Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!