If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.