Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.