I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.