Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.