There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!