My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.