My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.