By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.