When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.