In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.