I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.