The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion