God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.