I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?