Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.