There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.