I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.