The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.