You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.