Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!