If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!