I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.