I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.