I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.