Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.