War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.