I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.