Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.