Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm single because I was born that way.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.