If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.