I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.