When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.