Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?