I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
No good deed goes unpunished.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.