I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Men are as faithful as their options.