My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.