We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm single because I was born that way.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.