I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!