My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.