If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.