My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.