Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm single because I was born that way.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!