Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.