I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.