Men are as faithful as their options.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.