My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.