Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.