If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.