I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'