Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.