It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?