Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.