If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.