If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.