Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!