I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.