There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.