It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?