There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Women are made to be loved not understood.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.