If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!