I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.