When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.