Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.