I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I'm single because I was born that way.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.