I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.