When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.