And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.