The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

No good deed goes unpunished.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.