I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.