I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.