It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
No good deed goes unpunished.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!