If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.