No good deed goes unpunished.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.