The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.