In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.