Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.