The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I'm single because I was born that way.