If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.