Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.