As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.