He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.