All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.