If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.