There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.