If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.