Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.