What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.