Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!