If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.