Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.