Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?