There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.