My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.