If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.