I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?