It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.