The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.