You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Sex is an emotion in motion.