The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ