You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.