There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.