Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.