Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.