Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.