If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?