There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.