I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.