We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.