If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.