There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.