If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.