Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.