I drink to make other people more interesting.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.