Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?