Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.