Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Men are as faithful as their options.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?