If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.