Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.