Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.