I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.