In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.