He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.