If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.