My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps