A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.