Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.