I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.