Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?