If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.