You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.