It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.