If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.