Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.