A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.