There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.