It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.