Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.