He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.