Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I'm single because I was born that way.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
No good deed goes unpunished.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.