You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.