Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.