To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.