The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member