If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.