There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.