A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I'm single because I was born that way.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.