Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.